Someone once pointed out to me that while I seem to have no problem viewing others through a non-judgmental, non-categorical lens, I have a bit of a compulsive need to classify myself, my states of being, and my own life experiences as one of two very plain extremes. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Success or failure. Careful or reckless. Diligent or lazy. Fulfilled or discontent. Deserving or unworthy. Selfish or altruistic. Smart… or just really f-ing dumb.
Well, let me tell you, for someone with such an urge, the current stage of my life is slightly torturous. Not single, not married. Not rich, not poor. Not a novice, not an expert. Not entirely put together (I only own 5 spoons and I’m pretty sure I got my forks at the dollar store) but not a total mess. Not tied-down (I don’t have kids or a house), but not exactly free of responsibilities (read: bills and loans. A lot of loans).
For those of you that don’t know me, I see you smh-ing and I hear you grumbling a loud and clear “#firstworldproblems”. (“#whitegirlproblems”? Yeah, I hear you, too). This is true. I realize I am one million percent lucky to list these as my “problems” today, and I realize this in part because I never truly believed I’d ever have that luxury. Perhaps the shitty card dealers of the universe finally decided to ease up on me around 2013, or perhaps I’m just getting older and wiser. My older sister would probably argue that I’ve also just become less dramatic and all around a bit less “emo”.
BUT, the point is that happiness, success, honor, deservedness, intelligence, etc. – all of these things for which we strive – they’re not finish lines that we reach if we run hard and fast enough toward one end of the spectrum or the other. Instead, they’re buried in-between; in the mud, in the thicket, and the fog. In the gray areas. We just have to train our eyes to see them.
Follow me as I take a reluctant dive into the world of blogging and more importantly, as I continue to learn how to find value in every shade of gray. Please share your thoughts, your own stories, and your feedback along the way!